Talk'n Torque: Don't Need a Truck? Well You Might Need a Sign

September 2020 Column Brady L. Kay

Some comedy routines seem to last the test of time and never go out of style. Even though the Blue Collar Comedy Tour ended nearly 15 years ago, that group of comedians are some of my favorites and Bill Engvall’s “Here’s your sign” signature bit has always stuck with me. 

For those not familiar, Engvall’s comic routine is suggesting stupid people should have to wear warning signs that simply state, “I'm stupid” so no one will rely on them or ask them for anything. During his standup routines he would tell several anecdotes in which someone asks an obviously asinine question, and the question is then answered sarcastically, followed by the statement: “Here's your sign!” For example, a trucker gets his truck stuck under an overpass, and the responding policeman asks, “Hey, you get your truck stuck?” The trucker answers, “No sir. I was delivering that overpass and I ran out of gas…Here's your sign!”

I think the same philosophy could apply to those who claim they don’t need a pickup truck, yet go to great lengths to make their current vehicle work in situations clearly not designed for them.

I know we’re all tired of hearing about mandating laws, but you really shouldn’t legally be able to go to Home Depot in anything but a pickup truck. I guess if you’re just picking up a hammer then maybe an exception can be made, but I’m referring to those weekend warriors who insist they don’t need a truck, yet try and pack an entire store in their car.

Go by any Home Depot or Lowes on a weekend and you’re sure to see at least one guy who is having “truck appreciation day” as he’s loading his hatchback beyond its capacity. I’ve seen tiny cars loaded with boards and cement bags to the point where you know the employees are taking side bets on what’s going to break first—I have it on a good source to always bet on the tires by the way. When I witness something like this, I feel like walking up to the hatchback owner and saying, “Here’s your sign…if you can fit it in.”

What about those who strictly stick with the, “If you can put a hitch on it you can tow with it,” philosophy. Whoa? Talk about a, “Here’s your sign” moment. Even though I’m told you can technically put a hitch on a Prius, it doesn’t make it right. There are a lot of people who have learned this lesson the hard way and it’s best to stay clear of them, especially when they’re not wearing their signs.

I once caught a ride with a friend in his mini-van and it looked like a tiger had been trapped inside of it based on all the scratch marks on the ceiling and on the sides. His kids were way too little to have caused this much damage to a fairly new van so I had to ask. Turns out he hauls his branches to the landfill inside his mini-van and the worst part is he thinks this is normal. Bark, dirt, you name it he hauls it and he clearly needs a warning sign around his neck.

One of my all-time favorites was seeing a deluxe carpet cleaning machine, probably a grocery store rental. Why did it catch my attention? Because it was on a motorcycle! The machine was so big that the rider couldn’t strap it behind him on his bike. Nope, this dude (in flip flops of course) had the carpet cleaner on his lap and it was so big and wide he wasn’t able to even shift gears. He was just motoring along the road in first gear holding up traffic. This is why these “I’m stupid” signs are so important.

Not trying to poke fun of truck-less people, just warning you to watch out for them so we all can stay safe. I’m guessing there is at least one person you know who could use a sign. Or better yet, someone you know who could use a truck.

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